RWBY and the Blake
by General RTS
Summary: With the Vytal Festival right around the corner, Professor Port decides to take the cast of RWBY and reenact the classic tale of 'Beauty and the Beast'. Nothing could possibly go wrong… Right? I-I mean seriously, what's the worst that could possibly happen? ... ... Uh oh
1. Act 1- Was I drunk?

General RTS: It's been a long time since I wrote a story. I've been really busy since I'm studying for Law School and I don't really have much time to stay committed to a big story project. For the most part I wrote this because I wanted to see if I still had a sense of humor left. I fear I lost a good portion of it. I also want to say that this story was inspired by Mozco and RadiantBeam's brilliant collaboration fic "Shinderella" which is a far superior work to my own. Anyways I hope you enjoy!

* * *

Peter Port: The play's extremely dashing Director

Professor Ozpin / Glynda Goodwitch: Co-Producers and Resident Critics

Lie Ren: Narrator

Ruby Rose: The… Protagonist?

Blake: The Beast

Yang Xiao Long: The Village Hunter

Jaune Arc: Ruby's father

Nora Valkyrie: The Candlestick

Pyrrha Nikos: The Clock

Weiss Schnee: The Teapot

Cardin Winchester: The Donkey

Act 1. Scene 1.

[Scene: Beacon Academy Exterior. The Narrator Speaks]

REN: Once upon a time in a faraway land, there lived a Prince in a shining castle *Cough* WhichisobviouslyjustBeacon *Cough, Cough*. Though this prince possessed almost everything he could ever want, he was also spoiled and unkind. Thus one mysterious winter night the prince unknowingly insulted an enchantress disguised as an old hag. Disgusted by his attitude, she cast a curse that turned him into a horrifying beast.

[Dramatic music flares, Blake walks in as the Beast looking pissed. She is not wearing a costume. In fact she is just wearing her normal outfit without her bow.]

BLAKE: I'm going to find and kill whoever did the casting for this stupid play.

PORT: Now, now, Ms. Belladona, stick to the script.

BLAKE: Don't give me that! Why do I have play the beast without even a costume? Why would anyone in the audience ever even believe that I'm supposed to be some kind of terrible monster? [Everyone in the room blatantly stares at Blake's cat ears] Oh, Fuck you guys! This is the kind of discrimination and stereotyping that my people have to go through every day.

REN: [Yawns] You know… as terrible as racism might be, I don't think your outrage here is going help win any hearts here, so can you just start reading the script so we can get this over with. I promised Nora I'd take her to town today.

BLAKE: Of course, your girlfriend would be more important than our struggle for equality.

REN: For the last time, she's not my girlfriend. We're just really close platonic friends that just happen to spend nearly every moment of our waking existence together.

BLAKE: Suuuure.

REN: I'm serious!

PORT: **The Script!**

BLAKE: [Grumbling something intelligible]… Fine. Oh woe be my wretched existence as this terrible and … ugly beast… now that's just insulting.*Ahem* If only I had been kinder to the enchantress when she had arrived in castle asking for refuge. How will I ever find true love to break this terrible curse. Truly there is no hope…. Okay wow, seriously you brought me on here for story exposition and a badly written one at that. You know what? Cue the next scene while I go find my gun-sword.

Act 1. Scene 2.

[Outside the Beacon Student Dormitory]

REN: While the prince lamented his terrible curse, there lived a young girl in a nearby village by the name o- [Our crimson protagonist jumps out]

RUBY: Rubbbyyyy! The fearless heroine!

REN: [Sighs] Ruby, you're not supposed to introduce yourself. That's breaking the fourth wall.

RUBY: What? Blake did it too. I didn't want to feel left out.

REN: … … Anyways, Ruby was graceful and charming young lady who loved books and reading.

RUBY: Hey Ren! Check out what I did to my history textbook. [Ruby shows Ren an open book which has been **completely vandalized** by our protagonist after she drew **dicks** on nearly every page… she also starts to pick her nose.]

REN: … … Wow… fantastic casting …

PORT: DO NOT QUESTION THE MAD KING OR HIS JUDGEMENT MORTAL!

[Every looks at Professor Port in silent shock]

ALL: ... … … …

PORT: Errr… I mean… Continue with the script, Ren.

REN: Umm… okay then… … Ruby lived with her father, an eccentric inventor, on the far edge of the village. Unfortunately however, Ruby's charm and beauty attracted the unwanted attentions of a successful hunter by the name of… wait… are you sure about this? I mean… this could get **really** awkward.

PORT: Mr. Ren, Believe in the script that believes in the you that believes in the script. This will all come together in the end. It will all come together!

REN: You know what? I don't know why I even bother. I mean who cares? It's only logic and common sense.

PORT: That's the spirit!

REN: [Sighs] Ruby's charm and beauty attracted the unwanted attentions of a successful hunter by the name of Yang. [Enter Yang looking very confused]

YANG: Um … look guys. I'm fine with being Gaston… really I am. I mean, sure he's the bad guy but … I'm down with playing an arrogant and popular hunter… heck I might even be comfortable with hitting on girls just for kicks. B-But… asking me to hit on my actual sister is a little… … weird… in a lot of ways.

REN: I told you so.

PORT: Your other option was to play Ms. Rose's actual romantic interest. Though I suppose you could always switch with Ms. Belladona if you wished.

YANG: … I'm so happy to be the primary antagonist! Hey there hot stuff! [Picks up Ruby in a hug and gives her a slobbery kiss on the cheek. Ruby looks distinctly uncomfortable.]

RUBY: Sis! Stop it?

YANG: Hey, I can't help it. It's in my lines. Besides why would anyone think I'd be good at playing some macho man that goes around sexually harassing women?

[Clearly because anyone who's ever read the fandom would realize that you were practically shipped with nearly every other girl before being shipped with a guy.]

YANG: … What was that stage directions? [Her eyes turn red as she cracks her knuckles threateningly.

[… eep… … Nothing]

YANG: That's what I thought.

REN: And as Yang the hunter continued to sexually harass young Ruby, refusing to take no for an answer…

YANG: … You're actually enjoying this aren't you?

REN: I admit all this pretty amusing. Mostly I'm just glad I got a part that lets me keep my dignity. Anyways, Ruby's father, the village's eccentric inventor and goofball, Jaune, was travelling deep into the forest accompanied only by his donkey, Cardin.

Act 2. Scene 3

[Cut to Emerald Forest. Enter Jaune and Cardin. Cardin is currently wearing one of the plays BETTER costumes which isn't really saying much. It looks more like a donkey themed onesie.]

CARDIN: This is bullshit.

JAUNE: [Whispering] Cardin! Follow the script. You're supposed to be on all fours and act like a donkey! And stop talking, you don't have any lines!

CARDIN: To hell with that! Why the hell do I have to play such a lame role! In fact wasn't I supposed to be a horse in the original Disney film? When did I turn in to an ass all of a sudden?!

JAUNE: Cardin, don't be silly. You didn't turn into anything. You've always been an ass!

CARDIN: [Growls] What was that?

JAUNE: Errr… nothing! I didn't me- wait! How do you know that Philippe was supposed to be a horse instead of a donkey in the original film?

CARDIN: [Eyes widen in alarm] Umm... no reason. I watched it once or twice when I was a kid. It's not like it was my favorite Disney movie or anything!

JAUNE: Riiiggghhhttt.

CARDIN: I'm serious!

REN: Can you two please stop arguing so we can get on with the story!?

CARDIN: I really rather we didn't.

REN: Then we most definitely should. [It should be noted at this point that Ren did not like Cardin. NO ONE DID] Anyways, Jaune and the ass-

CARDIN: I hate you all…

REN: were walking peacefully across the narrow forest path when suddenly, a pack of wolves sprung out from the woods and attacked Jaune and Cardin. Wait… I don't remember any wolves being cast for the play. What the heck were you planning for those?

[Suddenly, dozens of large hidden cages rise out of the ground and release several packs of beowolves at possibly the **two weakest characters** of RWBY]

REN: … oh.

JAUNE: Cardin! We have to get out of here! … … … … Car-Cardin? [Turns around to find the ass completely gone] Son of a bi- [Jaune is unable to finish the statement as he is soon mauled by the onslaught of wolves]

[Meanwhile in the Audience Seats]

GLYNDA: [Leans over to Ozpin] Is this legal?

OZPIN: [Shrugs] Well, they **did** sign a waiver forms before applying to Beacon.

GLYNDA: [Looks surprised] Really, I don't remember that being included inside their application forms.

OZPIN: Of course not. It was under the "Terms and Conditions" tab on the website. No one ever reads those.

GLYNDA: Oh… … … I guess it's fine then.

[It's not fine… … at all]

_Intermission _


	2. Act 2- Seriously I'm deranged

_Last time on RWBY and the Blake:_

RUBY: Weiss… I'm pregnant… and you're the father.

WEISS: Wait… WHAT! Bu-… how! We're both girls! That doesn't make any sense!

RUBY: Haha… I'm just messing you Weiss.

WEISS: Oh thank Monty.

RUBY: Jaune's the one you knocked up.

WEISS: FFFFFFFUUUUUUUU-

_And now for the thrilling conclusion:_

REN: THAT NEVER HAPPENED!

GENERAL RTS: I know, I just enjoy posting Weiss' dream diary every once in a while.

WEISS: Fuck you!

GENERAL RTS: And now for actual story.

Act II. Scene 1

[Scene: Entrance of the Enchanted Castle which is clearly just Beacon Academy. Enter Jaune in torn clothes looking particularly bloodied after his encounter with the beowolves]

REN: After having been chased through the woods by the terrible wolves, Jaune arrived in front of the enchanted castle that piqued his curiosity.

JAUNE: [Pants heavily for a few moments. And then collapses on the ground unconscious]

REN: Or it would have piqued his curiosity if he hadn't been chased halfway across the emerald forest and his stamina didn't suck. Unfortunately however, Jaune's plight had attracted the attention of the mysterious castle.

[Enter, Weiss, Pyrrha and Nora wearing terrible costumes that are respectively supposed to represent a teapot, clock and candleholder. Nora is just holding up two candles and Weiss teapot costume looks a little phallic… … ok extremely phallic. Pyrrha's costume actually looks the best out of the three which isn't saying much considering it's just a bunch of painted wood pieced together with duct tape.]

PYRRHA: I fail to see the point of this. We are clearly too large to be the household items that had been represented in the original movie nor does our being in this state contribute anything to the plot.

REN: Also, they're just really awful. It's like this entire play is running on a shoestring budget.

[The Audience Seats]

GLYNDA: [Glares at Ozpin] We _might_ have had money for costumes if somebody hadn't wasted so much of the budget on premium grade coffee.

OZPIN: [Shrugs] Ms. Goodwitch, I have made more mistakes than anyone else on this planet, but nearly blowing the school budget in exchange for the drink of the gods isn't one of them. It will never be one of them. [Takes a sip of coffee to emphasize his point] Also, it should be noted at this point, I'm kind of a caffeine addict.

[Back to the Stage]

WEISS: NORA STOP SETTING ME ON FIRE!

NORA: [Cackles gleefully] I can't. It's part of the running gag in the play!

WEISS: That running gag was supposed to happen with the clock not the teapot!

NORA: Yeah but your reaction is so much better! [Tries to set her on fire again]

[It's true]

WEISS: Monty Oum dammit! WHO'S THE MORON THAT DEICDED IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO GIVE NORA FIRE!

REN: Probably the same moron who decided it would be a good idea to give her a multiple grenade launcher.

[Enter the Blake who sees the cast for first time]

BLAKE: … HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OHMONTY OHMONTY OHMONTY! HAHAHAHAHA! I take everything back I said before about not having a costume. Thank you so much for not giving me one.

WEISS: Can we just can get on with the story before Nora burns me alive!

REN: Fine. Since the only way to undo his curse was through true love, the terrible Beast misinterpreted this prophecy and over the years had kidnapped several young men and women for his depraved sex crimes.

BLAKE: … … No longer finding this funny… In fact, I take back what I just said. Fuck you guys. Fuck you guys hard.

WEISS: Spoken like a true sexual deviant.

BLAKE: Oh screw you!

WEISS: You'd like that wouldn't you?

BLAKE: Yeah well… wait… Pyrrha, what the hell are you doing?

[Pyrrha who had carried an unconscious Jaune over to the corner of the stage and was part way through undressing him now freezes like a deer in headlights because SHE WAS CAUGHT IN THE ACT OF FORBIDDEN TERRITORY]

PYRRHA: Well… since we are supposed to be sexual deviants… I mean… for the play.

REN: Wow, real subtle.

WEISS: … I'm… pretty sure that wasn't in the script… And wasn't Blake supposed to be the only deviant?

PYRRHA: It's not like I'm the only one improvising. Besides I _am_ supposed to be Blake's minion.

BLAKE: Honestly, I don't care. She can go off and screw Jaune if she wants to. I don't think I've even exchanged a word of dialogue with the guy the whole first season.

PYRRHA: [Pumps a fist in victory and throws Jaune over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes before running off stage]

REN: … errrr… is that the end of the scene?

PORT: [Repeatedly slams his head against the wall]

Act II. Scene 2

[Scene: Somewhere in the City of Vale]

REN: As the evil Beast continued to commit unspeakable acts of depravity onto the Jaune…

BLAKE: [From off stage] Fuck you!

REN: His loyal ass, Cardin went straight back to RWBY in order to warn her of Jaune's imprisonment.

CARDIN: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

REN: Or he may have decided to take a nap. I mean… he did run through the entire forest from all those beowolves after all. Maybe someone should wake him up.

RUBY: [Runs over to where Cardin is sleeping and kicks him stomach]

CARDIN: GAH! OH MONTY MY KIDNEY! What the hell was that for you crazy bitch!

RUBY: [LOUDLY to cover up the asshole who hasn't followed A SINGLE DIRECTION in his script] Oh Cardin! Where's papa? What happened to him? Quick, you need to take me to him!

CARDIN: Ah it hurts! I think you broke something! Gahhh!

RUBY: [EVEN LOUDER] What's that Cardin? You were attacked by wolves and papa was kidnapped by a sexual deviant beast? Oh no we have to go save him!

CARDIN: First of all, how the hell would a _donkey_ be able to tell you any of that?! Second, how are you going to save someone from having sex with one of the hottest girls in the school?! That isn't saving someone that's cock blocking them!

[Enter Yang]

YANG: Hey! Leave my sister… err… love interest alone, you prick!

RUBY: Yang, you're not supposed to be in this scene!

YANG: Come on Rubes, it's my duty as your older sis-… suitor to protecting you from bullying.

CARDIN: Bullying! She's the one who kicked me in the stomach!

RUBY: I only did that because you weren't following any of your cues in the script! You haven't been following the play at all!

CARDIN: Well, maybe that's because this play sucks dick. Maybe this play sucks dick so badly, it sucks dick at sucking dick. Why the hell should I be here wasting my time on a weekend? I should be outside bullying wimps out of their lunch money and tormenting people who don't conform to my own narrow-minded ideals of propriety in a pathetic attempt to deal with my own self-esteem issues and inferiority complex.

REN: … … … wow.

CARDIN: Do you think I was born a bully. You guys probably never had to deal with an alcoholic f- [Suddenly a trap door opens under Cardin's feet, dropping him into a deep hole.]GAAAHHHHHHHHH! NEVER FORGET!

PORT: [In a VERY CALM voice] The next person to disrupt the play shall be joining Edgar in the hole.

YANG: Wait… wasn't his name Cardin?

PORT: [Laughs] Oh Ms. Long, so naïve, don't you understand? **EDGAR IS THE ONE IN THE HOLE!**

[The entire room falls silent in horror at the proclamation. Some crickets can be heard chirping far off in the distance while Glynda and Ozpin exchange alarmed glances and start edging away from Ryan errr… I mean Professor Port]

RUBY: Oh my freaking Monty, Professor Port finally lost his mind. Okay, wow… um… everyone stick to the script from now on.

YANG: … uh… yea… um… I'm getting off the stage now. [Yang quickly runs off the stage not wanting to be the next Edgar]

Act II. Scene 3

[Scene: Beacon Academy]

REN: After a long and dangerous trek through the forest, Ruby final arrived at the Beast's castle. It was dark, mysterious and- oh who the hell am I kidding? It's a beautiful day at Beacon right now! [Cut to the school exterior where it is a completely bright and sunny day in the middle of spring. The birds can be heard chirping and the flowers are in full bloom]

PORT: I admit the weather might be working against us but believe in the plot!

REN: [Genuinely surprised] We had a plot!

[Enter Blake, Weiss and Nora]

RUBY: [Points dramatically at Blake] Give papa back, you dastardly villain!

BLAKE: [Looks at Ruby in disbelief] First of all, dastardly? Secondly, you should be saying that to Pyrrha not me. Thirdly… _dastardly_?!

[Enter Pyrrha with Jaune over her shoulder again, Blake places a hand over her nose and takes a few steps away from the two]

PYRRHA: Sorry, we're late, we were err… having coffee.

EVERYONE MINUS NORA: Riiiggghhhttt.

NORA: I don't believe you!

REN: Anyways, Ruby made the beast an offer he…

BLAKE: I am not a man dammit!

REN: [Without missing a beat] … couldn't refuse. She offered to take her father's place.

PYRRHA: Wait a minute! Why would we trade Jaune for Ruby? We have a complete advantage here, we could take them both and there's nothing she could do about it. Only a moron would negotiate to get far less than anything he easily take by force.

[Somewhere in the multiverse the entire cast of RedvsBlue sneezed]

WEISS: ummmm… not that I want anything to do with Pyrrha's depravity.

PYRRHA: Hey!

WEISS: But I'd rather not take Ruby prisoner. Bad things happened to people who take her prisoner.

[Flashback]

Ruby glared at Roman from inside her steel cage he had trapped her in while he gloated, explaining his intricate and multilayered plan part by part like a James-Bondesque villain. Finally Ruby had enough.

"You realize you have the exact same premise as Team Rocket from the incredibly popular Nintendo series Pokemon, right?" She asked him.

Roman froze mid-gloat in disbelief, "What! We are nothing like Team Rocket!"

Ruby shook her head. "Yes you are. All you have to do is change the word 'Dust' with 'Pokemon'. See? You're an evil organization trying to take over the world by stealing lots of 'Pokemon' and the only ones standing in your way is a rag tag group of underage children."

"First of all," Roman countered, feeling slightly disturbed by the similarities she just mentioned. "You can apply that premise to most children cartoons. Secondly, our mysterious and shady organization has dozens of powerful enemies, not just children."

"You even have your own intro speech," she reminded him. "And your own theme music."

"Holy crap, I really am Team Rocket." Roman muttered, sounding harrowed at the realization.

As Roman began suffering from a Villainous Blue Screen of Death, a voice from the outside shouted, "Special Attack: Koolaid Blitzkrieg!"

In the next split second, the wall beside them exploded into rubble as the remainder of Team RWBY and JNPR burst through the gaping hole with battle cries like "Oh Yeah~!" and "Surprise Motherfucka!"

Long story short, Team Rocket went flying off again.

[End Flashback]

WEISS: Personally, I think this entire play is stupid. It's like the entire script was written by some lazy teenager who was bored and had nothing else to do!

RUBY: Whoa, this conversation is getting a little too Meta.

REN: Weiss, you really should just follow the script or else you might end up as the next Edgar.

WEISS: Who?

RUBY: [Helpfully] Oh, well… his name was Cardin but he fell into a hole and now he's Edgar.

WEISS: Who's Cardin?

REN: You know; the guy we don't like.

WEISS: You're going to have to be more specific.

PYRRHA: The ass who bullied Jaune.

WEISS: Again… more specific please.

NORA: I threatened to break his legs.

WEISS: Could you use a description that doesn't apply to more than half of Beacon? … … … Wait… why do I smell burning? …. DAMMIT NORA! [Immediately, stops drops and rolls. Her costume makes it very difficult and look very ridiculous]

NORA: [Cackles wildly] Wahahahaha, This is comedic value Weiss!

WEISS: This isn't supposed to be a comedy! [Stops and looks like she has an idea] Oh! Ah! I think these flames have given me severe burns.

RUBY: You look fine Weiss and even if you _were_ hurt your aura would've protected you.

WEISS: [Completely ignores her] You guys will have to carry on without me while I go to the nurse's office to treat my extremely serious burns. [Exits quickly]

BLAKE: Did… did she just use her fake injury as an excuse to get out of this play?

REN: …Looks like it.

BLAKE: That's genius, why didn't I think of that?

RUBY: What do we do now?

BLAKE: End scene, I guess. Want some cookies?

RUBY: Yay, cookies!

_Intermission_


End file.
